I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
