I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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