he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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