Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
