Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
