i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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