Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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