I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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