All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
