i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
