you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
