I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
