This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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