I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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