u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
