woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
