We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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