Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
