I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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