Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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