I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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