I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
