I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
