your parents love me but you hate me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
