Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my shit smells like andre
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
