I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
