I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
