the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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