I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
