I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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