i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
