I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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