I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
