Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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