I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
