you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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