I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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