Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
