Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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