I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All the doctor said was why
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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