i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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