why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
