he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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