Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
