not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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