fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
