was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
