The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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