singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
