Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
