Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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