I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
