***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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