I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
