You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
