can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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