I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
